In favour of same-sex marriage

Imagine for a moment that you are gay. As a youngster, this is not something you were insanely masochistic enough that you would have chosen it had it been a choice, but in any case it was not. As an adult, you’re now well-adjusted enough, but still rather regret your sexuality, not least because you grew up surrounded by messages that said it meant you weren’t ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’. Imagine the isolation and fear you felt when strangers, peers and friends alike made derisive jokes about gay people or casually used the word ‘gay’ to mean stupid or awful, not to mention some people's expressions of disgust nor the recurring wide tacit and express acceptance of the self-righteously aggressive tone in which this sometimes came. Imagine that growing up, your sexuality was a secret that you kept from even your very closest friends and family members until you were 18, and from many others for much longer, because you were afraid of what they might think and how they might react. Imagine how uncomfortable and unsure about this part of your yourself you were when at the age of 18 you had never met a single other person who openly identified him or herself as being like you.

 

Ten years later you have learnt – contrary to the teaching of the jokes, the stereotypes and the church – that it is possible to enjoy a relationship with someone of the same-sex that is loving, serious and fulfilling, and that affords both the couple and society the benefits of those two individuals involved being happier, better supported, more secure and each inspired to better themselves and to improve one another’s lives and the world around them because of their mutual affection and commitment to one another. You’re almost surprised by this after all the years of hearing that homosexuality is a perversion and is all about brokenness, fetishes and unhealthy, insatiable desires brought about by unfulfilled emotional needs, but you’re delighted and relieved that time and experience have revealed this to be a fallacy.

 

Imagine then, that you find yourself in one of these positive relationships with someone of the same sex, and that you and your partner wish to make a life-long commitment to one another. You want to do so by entering into a contract that legally recognises your relationship and confers on each of you serious rights and responsibilities, as well as economic benefits, and to do this in a ceremony which will give you the opportunity to celebrate all of this with your family and friends (except, of course, those who think that because it is same-sex, your relationship is disgusting and aren't afraid to tell you so). Well lucky you! It would seem that you were born at the right moment in history, because although for some people it might still be fairly grim growing up gay, for the last 6 years in the UK it has been possible for you to enter into a civil partnership.

 

But hang on a minute. What kind of a union did I just describe? It sounded a lot like a marriage, didn’t it? How is it not like a marriage? The only difference is the gender of your partner.

 

Does a straight man on his wedding day think, “I’m marrying a woman and it’s so great and so special that she’s a woman! I’m going to have something with her that gay couples can only imagine, because they are categorically incapable of making the same kind of commitment and enjoying the same kind of relationship that we will have as husband and wife”? I don’t know, maybe he does, but I hope not because I think he would be wrong.

 

People marry for different reasons and with different thoughts and feelings in their hearts and minds, but if I ever marry or enter into a civil partnership, I can assure you that I will be making exactly the same commitment and with exactly the same motivations and intentions that have brought billions of opposite-sex couples together in marriage. If and when that happens, I would like to be able to call it a marriage. Gay people now, tend to call their civil partnerships marriages. The legal recognition of the relationship is not the only thing that is important. The recognition of the relationship within society is also important and because of that, the name is important.

 

Sorry to exercise your imagination a little more, but bear with me one last time. Imagine that you have agreed to enter into a civil partnership. Imagine the excitement with which you announce this to your friends and colleagues. “I’m entering into a civil partnership!” Imagine actually saying that with a beaming smile on your face. It doesn’t sound quite the same as “I’m getting married!” and it doesn’t sound quite right does it? Imagine referring to the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, not as your husband or wife, but as your civil partner. Would you feel comfortable doing that? Names matter.

 

People who say it is not a matter of equality are wrong and this is precisely why. Denying same-sex couples the right to marry does not protect anything. It merely excludes a group of people from the privilege of access to the same institution. The notion that same-sex couples will somehow dilute or alter the value or meaning of marriage is preposterous.

 

One thing that I find extraordinary about this debate is the number of otherwise apparently intelligent people saying that opposite-sex marriage is an important building block that forms the basis for a cohesive society and that it is has stood the test of time. There is a disturbing implication in this comment. The only way this can possibly be supportive of the argument against same-sex marriage is if we expect marriage to cease to function in this way once same-sex couples are allowed to marry as well. Are the proponents of this argument really crazy enough to believe that the number of straight marriages breaking down will skyrocket as a direct result of same-sex couples getting married too? If so, why are we listening to them instead of trying to help them to realise how baseless and mad this idea is?

 

If same-sex couples are allowed to marry, marriage will not change for straight couples. For them it will remain what it was before. The change will be for same-sex couples, because for the first time they will be allowed to do the same thing and to call it the same thing, instead of doing almost the same thing and having to call it something different. If that's not about equality, what is it about?

 

Note

In this note, I chose to illustrate my position in this debate using my own experience and situation but I'm aware that:

 - what I have described is not what all gay people growing up around the same time as me experienced

 - not all gay people agree with me and I am not speaking for them

 - it is not just gay people who stand to benefit from the proposed change in legislation.

 

I really welcome comments from anyone reading this, brief or long, and whether in agreement, disagreement or to ask questions.